I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
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Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.