I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
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The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet