NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
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[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Don’t frighten the programmers!
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.