[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
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*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
got so much cardio in today
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
sounds kinky. i’m in.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.