when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
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Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.