My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
You Might Also Like
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.