[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
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I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…