Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
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Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!