What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
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Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
no!! no!!!!!!
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes