Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
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The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Miscakes
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.