Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
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Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.