“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
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me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane