I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
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I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
🤯🤯🤯
not to brag, but mine was free
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.