We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
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H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
I cannot stop laughing at this
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.