I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
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Coffee is ready.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.