But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
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I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?