every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
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You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion