why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
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What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.