[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
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[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.