My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
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Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first