If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
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a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!