The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
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No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’