Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
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Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.