This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
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When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*