ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
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Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp