Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
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Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome