the composer
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I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
when nothing goes right… go left
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.