Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
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I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.