Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
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A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy