IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
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H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.