The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
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Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.