Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
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God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Monday Lisa
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
79.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.