My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
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flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
The two types of wives
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???