Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
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Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.