(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
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narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.