I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
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*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
This is my emotional support knife.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.