My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
You Might Also Like
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes