At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
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What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.