I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
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7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
Taliband
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight