All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
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Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]