11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
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them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
The Onion called it…again.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok