me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
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If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
wow
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh