Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
You Might Also Like
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Okay me first
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.