I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
You Might Also Like
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?