[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
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Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Name this drama.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat