[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
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The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Huge, if true.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!