Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
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A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo