Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
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*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.