Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
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Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time