I feel attacked.
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What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*